Wise Words from a Professional Athlete

Hi everyone! I’m richer than all of you. I’m richer than teachers, engineers, doctors, lawyers, just about everybody. How is that possible? I am a professional athlete! Back in high school, I remember how so many students complained incessantly about grades and extracurricular activities. Those students thought getting into the Ivy League colleges was hard. Well, I can tell you that nothing is harder than being a professional athlete. I had to work unbelievably hard to become a professional. Well, I take that back. I’m only a professional athlete because I’m tall and strong, traits that I was lucky to inherit. In fact, I haven’t worked or exerted myself in my entire life. All I do is play a game that children play.

I must say, I’m so lucky to be a professional athlete. While high school students are mostly tested individually, I’m evaluated based on my team’s performance. High school students have to stand out from their classmates in order to be accepted into a selective college, but I just need to make sure I don’t stand out. If my team’s winning, that’s great: no one will criticize me or any of my teammates. However, if the team’s playing poorly, I won’t be in trouble as long as I don’t stand out as one of the culprits.

I’m sure all of you are jealous that I get paid so much for playing a children’s game. I even get paid more than doctors who change lives. But I also change lives. One time, I actually pushed this guy and he broke all his bones, out for the rest of the season. I make millions for being a professional athlete and splurge on random things that catch my interest. I have this huge mansion with expansive pools. Honestly, I haven’t set foot in half of the rooms; they’re just there to make me look richer and more successful. I suppose I could let the poor and the homeless live in those rooms, but living with the poor would damage my esteemed image.

I know the real reason I’m a professional athlete is that I am genetically blessed; I haven’t really worked a day in my life. But what’s wrong with just being purely talented? Hard work is so overrated and time-consuming. So many people complain about their long, arduous hours in their jobs, but they brought the pain on themselves, as they simply were not genetically blessed to be an athlete like me. I cannot fathom how the general public has “managed to exist so long under the burdens which they have imposed on themselves.” I, on the other hand, have no burdens, haven’t worked hard, or done anything of value to society. I guess I just have the perfect life!